The Shidduchim Crisis

It is commonly said that in the Orthodox community there is what they call a Shidduchim Crisis. Apparently, there is a surfeit of girls who are not finding boys. Pots without lids… what is to be done?

I was reminded about this crisis when I read in the Times just recently (8/08/06) that there was an episode on the WE (Women’s Entertainment Network) documentary series “Secret Lives of Women” about women who fall in love with men serving long prison sentences or are on death row. The series had already dealt with the issue of “Cutters,” women who injure themselves, and was now ready to take on the more pressing question of women who marry cross-dressers and women who are jail brides. The critic who reviewed the show pointed out “Marrying a convict has some advantages: at least you always know where he is.” She went on to say, “Prison marriage seems like the maximum security version of a Harlequin romance: all poetry and distant yearning, and no snoring or dishes left in the sink.” Apparently the shiduchim crisis exists everywhere in the world, and we should be grateful for the blessings we have.

The crisis itself is very puzzling. Normally, when there are buyers or sellers of any good or service, the market clears. Why is there this imperfection when it comes to matching young men and young women? It is not just that there are slightly more women than men. We are not talking a half a percent of the relevant population, but something more like five to ten percent. One reason might be that men marry down, and once a girl gets past a certain age, the men tend to become fewer in numbers. I’m not convinced this is true. The problem is particularly acute in the Orthodox world and men marry down everywhere. Second, if you start out with a hundred guys and a hundred girls, at the end of the day if there are twenty girls left over, there should be twenty guys left over.

I, therefore, conclude there is no shidduchim crisis. There is a status crisis. As Ricky Ricardo used to say, “Let me esplain.” We start off with a hundred guys and a hundred girls. Of the hundred guys, twenty are fancy and eighty are plain. On the girls’ side, fifty of the girls want a fancy guy and fifty girls are happy with a plain guy. Five years later, the fifty girls who were happy with plain guys plus twenty who wanted and found fancy guys are married, leaving thirty boys and girls without mates. The problem is the same as it was at the beginning. Fancy girls don’t want to marry plain guys. We can make the model more complicated by running it the other way with plain guys wanting fancy girls. Between the two, thirty are left unmarried.

Why would a plain girl particularly need a fancy guy or vice versa? I think the answer is money. It’s very expensive to live an Orthodox Jewish life…very, very expensive. If you just think about day schools alone, five children cost somewhere between forty and a hundred thousand dollars after tax. If you live in New York or some other major city, rents and prices of homes are very high. Kosher food, the cost of living in a congregation, and the desire to have large families, all contribute to making it very difficult to live an upper-middle-class life. Children who start out with an affluent life are very reluctant to give up their lifestyle and marry a decent guy who is not a big money-maker. Conversely, guys who have average prospects for earning a living but have upper-middle-class tastes are reluctant to marry a girl who is middle- or lower- middle- class. It’s a problem.

What is to be done? I read that some rabbis have proposed, in the classic style of Chelm, to abolish eighth grade. The idea is that if they abolish eighth grade, the boys will go to study in Israel a year earlier and come back earlier, increasing the supply of guys. Why do that? I say why don’t the rabbis make a law that no girl can be said to be between the ages of 25 and 30? During those years, she should say she’s 24 for six years, thus, increasing her eligibility. Abolish the numbers rather than the grade.

Economists in recent years have been talking about asymmetrical information as a cause of markets not clearing. The intuitive idea is that all the players should have access to the same information which increases confidence and enables trades to occur. If I believe the market is rigged because the insiders know what’s happening and I don’t, I’m not going to trade the market. Ultra-Orthodox boys and girls have a problem meeting and talking at length. Each of the two players knows lots about themselves and little about their prospective mate. If young people could meet a bit longer without parents and shadchunim (matchmakers) going “Nu,nu, so what’s happening?”, the problem of asymmetrical information would be reduced. It might be helpful to have a dedicated internet site only for young orthodox people, maybe without photos, where some of the preliminary difficulties and awkward moments can be ironed out by e-mails and instant messaging.

On a personal note, it occurred to me to blog when I read the very moving blog of a woman who called herself Shomer Negiah. Her blog which went on for about a year was devoted to the problem she had of being in her mid-thirties and never having kissed a man. Ultra- Orthodox Jews do not hold hands or kiss, etc. before marriage. The blog was so honest and moving that it became almost a metaphor for all people who are alone. What made her blog so remarkable were the clarity of her prose and the lucidity of her self-understanding, despite the fact that she really did not have the benefit of analysis or life experience. The blog ended when she finally decided to kiss a man who she had been dating. I very much hope she comes back and tells us how her life has progressed since then.